Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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