i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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