Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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