i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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