a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We have started to decorate penises.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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