I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
