got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
