I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
