I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
