You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
