When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
