I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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