i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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