All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
