i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
