My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Your cock deserves a montage
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
