What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
