Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
