well I can't set my house on fire every night
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
