I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
