wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
