I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
