you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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