Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
