He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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