Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
