i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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