My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Dicks are not precious.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
