So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
