So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I CAN MOONWALK!
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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