Your mouth is God's brothel.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
it's like iHOP with fire
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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