I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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