The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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