Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize