If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
