I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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