I didn't shave. On purpose
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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