I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
