I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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