Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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