Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
