I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize