My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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