Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
