The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
