I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
