It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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