I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
