so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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