we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
This is the high leading the old right now
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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