closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
