he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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