I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
