The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
