No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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