youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
