I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
