Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
