If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
